Growth Spurts VS Resistance

Resistance. 

According the the Borg. It is futile. 

And as any hard core Trekkie knows, this is not true. At least not for Captain Jean Luc Picard and crew.

For the rest of us, the reality is that resistance is literally futile. It is pointless. Is does not serve us. It keeps us from our dreams. It is the nasty voice in our head that speaks over everything else and says, "You suck, why bother, someone else already did that and did it better than you ever could." 

Steven Pressfield calls Resistance "an impartial force of nature, like gravity or the laws of thermodynamics." It's not OUR voice speaking to us, it is not self-talk, it is Resistance talking. And Resistance is a totally indifferent asshole and is completely full of shit!

Something else....

The magnitude of Resistance we feel is directly proportional to the size of our Dreams/Goals/Evolution of our Soul.

I have BIG dreams and goals right now. And the resistance that I am currently feeling is ALL-CONSUMING. It's involuntarily tear-inducing, terrifyingly paralyzing, curl-up-in-a-ball-in-the-corner-and-rock-back-and-forth, MAMMOTH-sized, capital R, Resistance.

And speaking of dreams, I've had some doozies this week. Apparently this might  have something to do with the intense solar flares and storms happening on the sun at this time (and the reason we are seeing such amazing auroras for the past few weeks).

In one of my dreams a few nights ago, two of my writing SHE-roes were with me and we were all at a book tour event. I was in a room with Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) and Heather Armstrong (@dooce) and one of us was about to go out to do a reading. Practical/awake me says that of course it was one of them - Jenny is currently on a book tour and I keep seeing all her photos and updates online - but dreamer me thinks that maybe it was me, and they were my cheering squad. (Talk about #squadgoals!) Could it be that my dreams are sending me a message through two women who I KNOW have struggled through and written about their own epic levels of resistance?

In the Seen and Heard In Edmonton podcast a few weeks ago, Karen Unland and I talked all about blogging and what is next for "The Stay at Home Feminist". I told her how I feel like I am in a transition phase with my writing. With Karen I spoke more about where I want my writing to go, but the truth is that this transition is not so much about where my writing will end up, but about how and why my writing has to grow. 

And growing up is hard.

Growth spurts are never graceful or easy. Have you seen a baby or toddler going through one? They fall down all the time, they are fussy as hell, they cry constantly, their sleep patterns are all messed up and NO ONE in the family is happy! The exact same thing happens to teenagers and apparently, to 40-something writers as well.

This is hard for me to write... 

For the past few years I have prided myself on being a "voice of reason" in the sea of noise on the internet. I've been the moderate. The more-chewy-than-crunchy mama, the not-too-far-left leftist, the small f-feminist, the advocate-not the activist. I've been wading into the shallow end of issues, but only so far that I can still stand on my tippy-toes and keep my head out of the murky waters. The harsh truth is that I've been steeping myself in mediocrity, because I thought this is what would make everyone happy, including myself. I was wrong. 

I am not happy like this.

I made a decision last night. And my stomach clenches and I start to cry just thinking about it, it terrifies me that much (Hellooooo Resistance!). As it turns out, mediocrity is not serving me as well as I thought it would. It is not the example of living that I espouse online or that I want to show my children and yet, it is what I am doing. And it is an option. I could go on like this. I could keep on talking the talk, and just barely walking the walk. Or I could just shut up, stand up, and WALK. Be terrified, bawl my eyes out, and still put one foot in front of the other and will myself to live my dreams.

the war of art by Steven Pressfield - Get it. Read it. memorize it. 

the war of art by Steven Pressfield - Get it. Read it. memorize it. 

Fear never goes away. Resistance never sleeps. We have to wake up and fight the battle against it every day. 

So fight I will. 

Every fucking day. 

In the best way I know how. 

With my voice.

The one that somehow got lost in the shallow end. 

Excuse me while I dive down headfirst, ruin my make up and hair, and get it back. 

N~

 

making time for practice

Everything is a practice these days. We must practice gratitude, practice meditating, practice writing (or whatever your creative outlet is), practice our sport/yoga/fitness regime of choice, practice healthy eating, practice drinking more water and on and on.

I know it, you know it, but damn it, sometimes it just feels like NO ONE HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THAT PRACTICING!

In an effort to be a better practitioner of LIFE and all the things in it that give me joy and meaning, I am making a conscious effort to make time to practice some gratitude.

Right here. Right now.

Ok, here goes...

 

On Sunday, my family let me sleep in until 10 AM. My husband got up with the kids, fed everyone, walked the dog and then they just let me be. I eventually got out of bed, had a nice long shower and meandered out of my room around 10:30AM. It was glorious!

.....

And then, my daughter went into the play room, made 4 animal puppets from a foam craft kit ALL BY HERSELF and proceeded to cast herself and her brother in a puppet show for my enjoyment. I sat back, drank a cup of the new Goddess tea that I picked up at the Make It show and enjoyed my children's imaginations!

EVEtea

.....

Later that day, they asked if we could go to the library, "...the one with the fancy roof Mom." So off we went. I brought my laptop and my notebook and while the kids were off choosing books and playing phonics games on the library computers, I started to write and catch up on some #YearofWriting assignments (I am terribly behind in these!). The funny thing is, I haven't stopped writing since then. Either in the notebook (some things really are just for me) or here on my blog.

.....

librarytime

 

Hmmmm.... maybe there is some truth to this practice thing. I'll keep going.

 

I have a hard time remembering or enjoying drinking 8+ glasses of water a day. So I made a deal with myself. I'll drink more of it IF it is bubbly. I bought a case of San Pellegrino at Costco and for the past few weeks have been happily drinking all the sparkly water I can! And just in case you were wondering, no, it is not bad for me and yes, it is just as hydrating as flat water.

.....

I do not like doing laundry. I will procrastinate doing this task until someone runs out of a critical piece of clothing and then starts asking me about it. I will then reluctantly start the sorting and washing and drying of said clothing. This usually drags out for a few days (Ok, fine, a week or more) and then, just as I have finally folded all the laundry from one week, I have to start on another weeks worth. Yesterday, I did 5 loads of laundry, folded 4 of them, put them away and now only have the towels left to finish folding today. The sense of accomplishment I have over this simple thing is completely ridiculous and yes, it is something that I could get used to.  With practice.  ;)

.....

OK, I don't want to overdo it here...

I'll keep this up and start a little bit of a weekly #gratitude post because...

PRACTICE!!

birdwithafrenchfry

 

with gratitude,

n~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a peek inside

Okay, okay, time to do some writing. Now, what am I going to write about today.....???

*Goes off to check Twitter and Facebook. Gets sucked into a vortex of Youtube videos of Jimmy Fallon singing like Neil Young.*

OK, seriously.

Yes, that's a good idea, let's write about something serious today.

*Goes off to watch another Fallon video - this time it's the one with my no-he-is-not-too-young-for-me movie star boyfriend, Joseph Gorden Levitt, lip-syncing to Nikki Minaj.*

Maybe I should write about that thing that I read about the other day. You know the one.

Or...

Maybe I should try my hand at some abstract poetry. Something deep and meaningful.

And PROFOUND.

Yeah, yeah, let's do that!

.

.

.

.

{crickets}

.

.

.

.

OK, nothing profound happening today.

Let's go back to that first idea.

What was it again?

Oh, screw it.

I'll just do some free form, stream of consciousness writing and see what comes out.

 

(10 minutes later, hits delete on 457 words)

 

Well, that was just crap.

Now what?

*Heads off to see what's happening on Twitter-again. Posts a picture on Instagram.*

Ok, no, really, that first idea was a good one. Go back to that one.

Yes.

Okay.

Off I go.

*Closes all other open tabs, takes laptop to quiet room and starts writing.*

~~~~~~~~~~

notebooks

 

A few weeks ago I bought myself a couple of notebooks to help give me a kick in the pants with my writing and get into the habit of writing SOMETHING at least once a day.

I decided to open up the 642 Things To Write About book today at a random page and this was what it said.

Inner monologue

 

You're welcome {to the inner workings of my very easily distracted brain}.

natasha~