The Virgin Garden

This week I decided it was time to go all the way. I mean, I have waited 40 years, I weighed all the pros and cons and I was pretty sure I was mentally ready to handle the consequences.

So I had a long shower, cleaned myself up real nice, put on a pretty pink dress and off I went to get my flower plucked.

The setting was perfect.

A beautiful, tranquil place, filled with lots of nice sounds and smells. All of it intended to relax me and help put me in the mood.

I had a drink and I washed my face with a cool cloth.

I took off my clothes and folded them in a neat pile on the chair and laid down on the bed.

I was ready.

And then I heard these ominous words...

"Let's see what we are dealing with here."

And the covers where pulled back.....




I am of course talking about hair removal.

Specifically, hair removal, to quote the much maligned heroine of a certain smuterotica best seller, "down there".

I have been thinking about it for a while and since we are going on holidays soon, I thought it would be a good idea to get it done now and not have to worry about any errant fly aways peaking {or poking} out of my bathing suit while I was lying languorously on a beach chair reading yet more smuterotica or frolicking in the ocean. (Because that is what you do on your family vacations too, right?)

My bestie went to see a woman before her last tropical vacay and had the whole shebang done and she highly recommended both this particular esthetician and the process itself.

I trust my friend and so I called and made an appointment to get all of my hairy parts 'sugared'.

Yup, you heard right. Sugared, NOT waxed.

I have always had my brows waxed in the past and have even done my legs a few times, but have never been a huge fan of the practice. For one thing, most waxes are made from resins and can include lots of chemicals, dyes and preservatives in them. With sugaring the components are sugar, lemon juice, water and sometimes essential oils. From a ingredient perspective alone it is a more natural choice for a hair removal process.

Sugaring is also more gentle on your skin. It is applied lukewarm to your skin, the sugar paste surrounds the hairs and is removed in the same direction that the hair is growing. This is easier on your skin and since the sugar itself only attaches to dead skin cells and not  your actual skin, you do not run the risk of taking off any skin along with the hair, which can happen with waxing and instead you get a nice exfoliation as an added bonus to the process.

Susan, my trusty hair removal expert at Temple of Beauty Day Spa knew I was a virgin coming in to this and she promised to gently ease me into her world.

She started with my brows, a spot I am used to having waxed and I thought to myself, "This isn't bad at all. MUCH less sting than waxing. Cool, I can totally handle this."

Then she moved to my armpits. And WOWZA! Scratch that earlier thought! I am not sure if it is because of all the lymph nodes under there, or just because it is a rather protected area of skin that doesn't get a lot of 'weathering' per se, but holy Hannah, THAT shit was painful. While the sugar itself is a more gentle and natural solution for my skin, the plain fact remained that the tiny hairs on my body where being ripped out en masse. The lovely Susan told me that she was assessing my pain tolerance while sugaring under my arms to decide how much I would be able to handle in my nether regions! It wasn't looking very promising.

Next up. My lower legs. These I have also had waxed before, so I knew what to expect and it was really not bad. Except around the ankles. That was like little red ants biting me because I danced a jig on their home in the ground. VERY ouchy!

The good news is that unlike with waxing where you have a lingering pain and sometimes an intense throbbing (and possible skin removal), once the sugar is removed, there is no more pain or tenderness. Just smoothy, smoothiness. {Those are words, really, they are!}

With my legs all done, it was now back up to the ummm, middle.

I had three choices here. The classic, the skinny or the brazilian!

Within five seconds I knew it was NOT going to be the full shebang. But being the pro that she is, Susan just kept on going. She kept reminding me to concentrate on my breathing and kept trying to take my focus away from the sweet sting of what was happening by talking to me about anything and everything else. My kids, my vacation, her kids, the weather.... and various horror stories about her first forays into doing full brazilians 12 years ago.

It was not unlike what my doulas did for me while giving birth to my children. Except of course for the 'name that rash on a strangers vagina' stories. That was different.  And this time around, Susan was helping me give birth to a new silky smooth me.

I managed to make it all the way to the skinny bikini and had to call it quits. And I don't know about any of you who have had this kind of follicular maintenance stuff done before, but I found the {ahem}, upper lawn portion more painful to landscape than the... uh, lower hedges. Maybe that is just me...

In the end, and after all the toe curling and heavy breathing I have to say that I am very happy that I finally did "IT". I will very likely go back to Susan for some more routine care and upkeep of my lovely and well-groomed garden.  Within minutes of her being done, aka, me begging her to stop, there was no more sting and just the results I was hoping for. {Smoothy, smoothiness in case you forgot.}

And really, how many girls can say that of their first time!!

Happy Friday the 13th Mamas!!