48 hours

In less than 48 hours we will be moving into the Natural Urban Home. Yes, yes, I know, it's all I am talking about lately, but I am getting excited.


I am also THE BIGGEST ball of stress and anxiety, that it is not even funny!

Over the last few weeks I have managed to put myself into a full-fledged RA flare AND give myself what I think are the beginnings of a stomach ulcer. TUMS and my anti-inflammatory medications are my very good friends this week.

The last time we moved, Little C was 6 months old. He didn't care what was going on and was content to just be worn in a carrier while I packed up our little house. And it was June.

Today I woke up to this....

Mother Nature is playing a cruel, cruel, four days late, April Fool's  joke on me! I am not impressed lady!

And my poor children.

This time around, at 5 and 3.5 years old, they DO care about what is going on and are a lot more sensitive to the whole process. Now, this is not to say that they are not excited, they really are, but they are also feeling a fair amount of stress about the move too.

Our routines are all messed up. We haven't sat down at a table for dinner in over a week (it is covered in boxes and missing chairs). Naps have been very hit and miss. Three quarters of their toys and games have been packed up and well, Mama is a big stress ball!

And my kids are the sensitive kind. And also the vocal kind, especially about their feelings. (FYI- I am kind of proud of BOTH of these things!)

All of this makes for some very trying moments in our days as of late. Their needs are not getting met to the best of my ability because of all of the other tasks and to do lists and to be perfectly honest, the needs of the house(s) and this move.

I know it is a temporary situation, but it still doesn't make all those ugly guilty-mom feelings go away. And this is adding to my stress level too.

This morning started out rocky for all of us and not only because of the crappy drive in all that snow. We had to have a little three person huddle before we left the house to talk it all out and I explained to the kids how I am feeling right now and that I am nervous about moving and making sure we are all ready and packed and good to go.

My kids... They really are amazing little people. They both gave me huge "love" hugs (in our house these are the super-duper tight squeeze-y ones), told me it was all going to be OK and that they can't wait to be in the new house, gave me kisses and then we went on our way to playschool.

And then I went to my favourite cafe for a HUGE latte and some time to just be...


48 hours people.

I just have to get through the next 48 hours and then it will all be OK...

Why is it that the unpacking is always so much better than the packing?

Deep breathes,





Today I am running through all the phrases and sayings and meditations I can to keep my calm.

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Problems are not stops signs, they are guideposts." Robert Schuller

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."  Epictetus

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." Dory

It is kind of working. Although I am pretty sure I freaked my kids out real good when I broke down and started sobbing after I picked them up (25 minutes late) from school, got another phone call about the Natural Urban Home and YET another issue that is not going as planned that I have to deal with and after I yelled at them to stop the FUCKING WHINING ALREADY!! (Sad to say--that is a direct quote.)

I really just have to calm down, take some deep breaths and repeat the above words of wisdom over and over (obviously, not the part about the whining!). Sitting here in Starbucks and writing it all down with my lovely Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte seems to be helping a bit.

I feel like I am at a weird cusp in my life right now. There is a lot of "When this happens, it will get better..." sentences being said to me, from myself and others.

"When our current house is sold, we won't have to worry so much..."

"When the store is finally closed, you won't feel so stressed and can focus on the kids more..."

"After the move, everything will settle down and it will get all better..."

I know that this is all true and that our life will be a lot less hectic in a few months. It is the time until then that I am worried about. And my stress and anxiety over it is rubbing off on those that I love the most. Especially the kids.

And if I have taught my kids one thing it is to be very open with me about their feelings.

To hear from your 5-year-old that I am not a fun mommy or the dreaded "I hate YOU!", sucks ASS! And the 3-year-old even told me that I scared her the other day with my yelling. So, you can imagine the heaping, stinky pile of 'mommy guilt' that I am under right now. The boy is not wrong...I am not a fun mommy right now.

I really have to try to keep this in check and keep my eye on the bigger picture. I can't afford to let myself slip back to where I was back in October. I need to be the non-toxic glue keeping it all together right now. For myself and for my little family.

So on that note...

I give you the things I am grateful for today:

1. A husband who comes home from work and tells me to go sleep off my migraine and takes care of all parental and house duties.

2. An hour at the gym with my awesome trainer, who kicks my ass and reminds me that YES, I CAN do this!

3. Amazing friends who will pick up my kids from school when I am late and offer help whenever I need it.

4. My babysitter. Gawd, I am SO thankful for her on days like today!

5. My contractor's Site Manager. Cute, competent and completely honest with me at all times.

6. Sunshine on a winter's day.

7. The current roof over our heads as well as the new one we are building.

8. Friends who chat with me on Facebook and make me feel normal.

9. The way my daughter looks like such a big girl with her hair in a ponytail.

10. How they both speak louder and slower when I ask them to use their big boy/girl voice as opposed to a whiney one.

11. I said this already, but a nice hot Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and the background noise of my local Starbuck's.

12. My favourite green t-shirt.

13. Bank tellers that know me by name.

14. Picking up my new designer spring dress from My Filosophy. (A beautiful orange number by Joeffer Caoc.)

15. A dog who comes in for a snuggle and a pet, especially when I am crying.

16. Writing as therapy...

See, I'm feeling better already.





30 Days of Truth: Day TEN - Someone I need to let go or wish I did not know.

I read an eye-opening post the other day and realized just a few lines into it that the writer and I have a mutual acquaintance. And unfortunately this is someone who I wish neither one of us knew. This person is NOT nice. She makes everyone she knows feel bad about themselves. And here is the thing-we ALL know her.  She comes by for visits when we are at our lowest lows, usually when what we need most is a hug and not her constant barrage of negativity.

She is that ugly voice in our head. The one that is always telling us that we are not good enough.

She has been to my house a fair amount these past few months as I have been dealing with a lot more than my usual share of stress and personal and physical upheaval, and she has had lots of oh, so lovely things to say to me.

You are a terrible mom. You need to do more with these kids. Of course they scream at each other, because you scream at them all the time. What are you doing eating MORE junk food. Get off the computer already and go spend some time with your husband.  Fold the freakin' laundry woman!

And the list goes on and on....

Her visits to me are all too frequent as of late and she really is a bitch.

I for one REALLY need to let her go. She drags me down and at times I can't help but listen to her and start to think she may be right.

I do know that she is not. Really I do.

So, I am going to try to shut her down and say goodbye to the bitch.

I know she will try to weasel her way into my head again, but I know the signs, I know how she operates and she will NOT be allowed in.

Yup, that is the plan.

I hope it works,