rocket science

Momentum. In physics it is defined as the property or tendency of a moving object to continue moving. In life, and figuratively, momentum can refer to the tendency of a person or group to repeat recent success. And in both, it can come to an abrupt stop when a large obstacle is placed in front of the moving object and it can be difficult to regain that momentum again.

This in how I have been feeling lately. Like I just can't get my momentum back. I feel like I am free-falling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, floating and spinning in space with no way to get back to the space station. Basically, I need George Clooney to tether me and tell me what to do.

(Okay, so I don't really need George to tell me what to do, but as I type this, I suddenly see a whole new internet meme starting...)

At one point in the movie, when telling her about the re-entry vessel, George says to Sandra, "You just point the damned thing at Earth and go. It is not rocket science."

This summer we had a huge obstacle placed in front of us and normal life stopped. Thankfully, we all made it through that time and are now getting back to normal, but it is a new normal for all of us. There is a weird kind of comfort to being in hospital and having that cocoon of professionals and therapy schedules and routines protecting everyone from the real world. And then one day, you are officially 'discharged" and forced out of that cocoon to figure out how to fly on your own with your new wings. The rush and excitement and anxiety of getting ready for back to school and then the actual getting back to school has passed. Our new routines, the kids new activities and our new normals are starting to establish themselves in our lives. And yet, *I* still feel untethered.

A lot of my life feels like it is in auto-pilot and while I am doing all the things that need doing, I am not necessarily doing them, to use a term both my therapist and my yoga teacher like to use a lot, MINDFULLY. I get up, I get everyone ready for school, I drive them to school, I do the errands, I pick up the kids from school and take them to activities, I make dinner, I clean up, I do laundry, I watch TV/play Candy Crush/read, I go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am finding it difficult to switch off that dial that has been on at full strength for the past four months. You know, the 'take care of all the things and all the people' one. Granted, as a mother, it is one that is never fully off, but I think I have to figure out how to at least dial it down a bit and turn up the one beside it called "take care of YOU". The trick is actually doing that and then not feeling guilty about it. Because the thing is, while I still have a role as mom and protector and wife and home-keeper to do, I have a larger role as Natasha too. And without her, all those other roles can't and won't be done with any sense of fulfilment and joy.

So.

Even though my momentum and personal growth journey may have come to a hard stop a few months ago due to circumstances beyond my control, now it is time to get going again. To pick up where things stopped and start/continue moving again.

Because George is right.

GeorgeClooneyMeme

Okay George, whatever you say.

n~

 

Dear Family: Please leave me alone....

....is how I felt this weekend.

Oh, I know, I am a terrible wife, mother, person, blah, blah, blah!

But it has just been one of those weeks.

You know how it is. Everything keeps piling up and up and up. The laundry, the paperwork, the housework, the phone calls and appointments you don't have time to make, the meetings you have to postpone, the house you are trying to build.

Everything in my life felt like it just hit the pooper this week! And I was done. DONE, done!

First of all I get the whole intervention chat LAST weekend. Then we hit some MAJOR snafus and delays with the building of our new house (more on that in a later post). My two-year old fell down the stairs a week and a half ago and just started walking again this past Thursday (I love babywearing people and didn't mind carrying her around, but the whole drama queen thing going along with it was getting on my last nerves). Professionally I feel like I have hit a crossroads and I need to make some decisions, but I don't feel that I have the time to devote to doing that, which leaves me feeling very frustrated and at a stand-still.

And then to top it all off, on Saturday, on our way to IKEA, Natural Urban Dad does his usual passenger seat driver schtick, which mostly involves telling me how to drive, where to drive, when a fucking light turns green and grabbing the god-damn dashboard every time I apply the brakes and I tell you, I just HAD IT!

We of course proceeded to have  the most dumb-ass fight a discussion in the car and parking lot and I instigated the 'DO NOT FUCKING TALK TO ME WHILE I AM DRIVING' rule! And then we continued on with our day and into the evening and night, my family completely oblivious to my frustrations and need for solitude. (Granted I never said anything and they can't read my mind, but still!)

Today, I was very excited. I got to go to work! Which meant a whole FOUR hours away from the lot of them. It was great! I was at the Urban Infant Magazine Red Carpet Launch Party and I was in my element, teaching and showing families how to babywear and use baby carriers, and this always puts me in a good place.

And it was just what I needed. Just enough time for me to have that was about me, and also just enough time for me to miss them just a little bit. Plus there where cupcakes, amazing, little tasty cupcakes from Whimsical Cake Studio!

The laundry still needs doing (hello, I was not here for most of the day), I still have a to-do list that is as long as my hairy lower leg (yes, yes, an appointment for some waxing is on that list!), the house issues are not completely resolved and I still have some big decisions to make about my career.

But whatever, tomorrow is another day and I will attack all of the above with renewed gusto!

Because today, I got a little break from my family and my life and you know what? THAT is not a bad thing to want or to get.

Sincerely and slightly more sane now than I was yesterday,

Natasha~