om.....

Today I am running through all the phrases and sayings and meditations I can to keep my calm.

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Problems are not stops signs, they are guideposts." Robert Schuller

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."  Epictetus

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." Dory

It is kind of working. Although I am pretty sure I freaked my kids out real good when I broke down and started sobbing after I picked them up (25 minutes late) from school, got another phone call about the Natural Urban Home and YET another issue that is not going as planned that I have to deal with and after I yelled at them to stop the FUCKING WHINING ALREADY!! (Sad to say--that is a direct quote.)

I really just have to calm down, take some deep breaths and repeat the above words of wisdom over and over (obviously, not the part about the whining!). Sitting here in Starbucks and writing it all down with my lovely Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte seems to be helping a bit.

I feel like I am at a weird cusp in my life right now. There is a lot of "When this happens, it will get better..." sentences being said to me, from myself and others.

"When our current house is sold, we won't have to worry so much..."

"When the store is finally closed, you won't feel so stressed and can focus on the kids more..."

"After the move, everything will settle down and it will get all better..."

I know that this is all true and that our life will be a lot less hectic in a few months. It is the time until then that I am worried about. And my stress and anxiety over it is rubbing off on those that I love the most. Especially the kids.

And if I have taught my kids one thing it is to be very open with me about their feelings.

To hear from your 5-year-old that I am not a fun mommy or the dreaded "I hate YOU!", sucks ASS! And the 3-year-old even told me that I scared her the other day with my yelling. So, you can imagine the heaping, stinky pile of 'mommy guilt' that I am under right now. The boy is not wrong...I am not a fun mommy right now.

I really have to try to keep this in check and keep my eye on the bigger picture. I can't afford to let myself slip back to where I was back in October. I need to be the non-toxic glue keeping it all together right now. For myself and for my little family.

So on that note...

I give you the things I am grateful for today:

1. A husband who comes home from work and tells me to go sleep off my migraine and takes care of all parental and house duties.

2. An hour at the gym with my awesome trainer, who kicks my ass and reminds me that YES, I CAN do this!

3. Amazing friends who will pick up my kids from school when I am late and offer help whenever I need it.

4. My babysitter. Gawd, I am SO thankful for her on days like today!

5. My contractor's Site Manager. Cute, competent and completely honest with me at all times.

6. Sunshine on a winter's day.

7. The current roof over our heads as well as the new one we are building.

8. Friends who chat with me on Facebook and make me feel normal.

9. The way my daughter looks like such a big girl with her hair in a ponytail.

10. How they both speak louder and slower when I ask them to use their big boy/girl voice as opposed to a whiney one.

11. I said this already, but a nice hot Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and the background noise of my local Starbuck's.

12. My favourite green t-shirt.

13. Bank tellers that know me by name.

14. Picking up my new designer spring dress from My Filosophy. (A beautiful orange number by Joeffer Caoc.)

15. A dog who comes in for a snuggle and a pet, especially when I am crying.

16. Writing as therapy...

See, I'm feeling better already.

Om.......

Natasha~

 

 

pointing out rainbows

This post has been a long time coming. And I don't really know how to write it.

So here goes...

I have come to a realization over the past few months. (You Mamas out there with little babies, listen up!)

What I have realized is this. We have all been duped.

We have been duped into believing that our babies need us the most when they are brand new. And while, yes, it is true that they do need us to clothe, feed, soothe, love and protect them while they are so tiny and vulnerable, once you get into a routine and you find your mama-baby rhythm, things can get relatively easy at this point. Yes, I know, I am making some big generalizations here, but stick with me on this.

Last year I went to visit a friend in Toronto who had just had her third daughter. Her two older girls were 4 and 6 at the time. When I asked her if she was going to go back to work again after her maternity leave, I was very surprised to hear her say no, that now she needed to stay home with the girls. I assumed she meant because of the baby, but she told me that it was more for the older two. At that point I really did not understand what she meant.

Now I do.

My kids are 22 months apart. And while this was a challenge when they were say teeny babies and then at 6 and 28 months old and then again at 1 and 3, it is NOTHING compared to right this very minute when they are 3 and 5 years old.

They NEED me!

A LOT.

The questions they have need answers. They need to DO more. With their growing bodies and with their expanding minds. They are both in play school now and are starting to navigate the world of friends who are not always of my choosing.  And all this means we have activities to attend, playdates to go to, new skills to hone and way more emotions to deal with on a daily, if not hourly basis.

So I need to be here for them, while they are still little. I know, that to some degree they will always need me, I just can't let them down right now. These years are important ones, the degree to which they are learning and growing and becoming little individuals with their own opinions and feelings is astounding and I need to be giving them my full attention. It's my job to help them navigate through this time in their lives and it is the most precious and MOST IMPORTANT job that I have.

In the past year I have spent way too much time saying the following phrases over and over to my kids,

"Just one more email and then Mommy will come and play with you."

"I just need to pack up these orders and then we can go to the park."

" Please wait...."

"Just five more minutes..."

The list goes on.

And it is not only that. As a family, Natural Urban Dad and I made the decision that I would be the stay-at-home parent. We did not want to have both of us working, have our kids in daycare and have our money go to someone else to spend most of the day with our kids. We are very fortunate that we can make that choice and it is one that I never, ever want to take for granted or lose sight of why we made it in the first place.

In the past six months I have been increasing our babysitter's hours on a regular basis to the point that I might as well just call her our nanny and be done with it. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my babysitter, like, REALLY love her. And so do my kids. But for the months before Christmas, every time I would have to go to a meeting or an event or just lock myself in the office to get some work done, I would come home to kids who missed me the whole time I was gone, who became super clingy for the rest of the day and night and who kept saying over and over how much they wish I didn't have to go away so much. The guilt that I was feeling and the mounting childcare bill where getting to the point that I was starting to feel ridiculously overwhelmed. And I started questioning whether 'having it all' or 'trying to do it all' was really worth it anymore.

Turns out it is not.

And the time has come for me to make a few changes in my life.

The first of which is that...

Natural Urban Mamas, THE STORE, will be closing its virtual doors.

This was a very long and hard decision to make, but one that I know is right for me and for my family at this time. I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported me on this journey. I have learned so much about life, about business, about myself and about the strength and determination that lives in so many of you through this adventure called entrepreneurship. I have made some life long friends and probably a few frenemies along the way too. I thank you all for lifting me up and making me want to be a better person, a better mother and a better business woman.

I want you to know that I am not going away. I have spent a lot of time and effort in educating myself about and being an advocate for babywearing and breastfeeding and all kinds of aspects of natural parenting. This part of Natural Urban Mamas will remain. I will still be doing workshops and speaking engagements and you will be able to find me here on the Natural Urban Mama blog or on Twitter or Facebook whenever you need to. Just know that I may not respond as quickly as I have in the past, because I will likely be watching someone learn to float on their back all by themselves or I'll be hanging out at the museum with a certain bug-crazy small individual.

“The work will wait while you show your child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work.”

Patricia Clafford

I want my kids to remember these years and our time spent together and I want to know that I did all that I could to make it memorable for all of us.

Thank you all!

Much Love,

Natasha~

And lucky YOU! Starting on January 30th and while supplies last,

Our "UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE" Blow-out Sale will be happening at Natural Urban Mamas.com!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

three days

Day 10: Childhood...

heroes that is.

Day 11: Where I sleep...

well, at least it will be in about 6-8 weeks.

Day 12: Close-up

My beautiful "Renaissance Baby" nursing.

For most of my #JANphotoaday shots I have been using a new photography App called Camera+ and I am really liking it.

I hope you are enjoying my shots!

N~