Today I am running through all the phrases and sayings and meditations I can to keep my calm.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Problems are not stops signs, they are guideposts." Robert Schuller
"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." Epictetus
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...." Dory
It is kind of working. Although I am pretty sure I freaked my kids out real good when I broke down and started sobbing after I picked them up (25 minutes late) from school, got another phone call about the Natural Urban Home and YET another issue that is not going as planned that I have to deal with and after I yelled at them to stop the FUCKING WHINING ALREADY!! (Sad to say--that is a direct quote.)
I really just have to calm down, take some deep breaths and repeat the above words of wisdom over and over (obviously, not the part about the whining!). Sitting here in Starbucks and writing it all down with my lovely Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte seems to be helping a bit.
I feel like I am at a weird cusp in my life right now. There is a lot of "When this happens, it will get better..." sentences being said to me, from myself and others.
"When our current house is sold, we won't have to worry so much..."
"When the store is finally closed, you won't feel so stressed and can focus on the kids more..."
"After the move, everything will settle down and it will get all better..."
I know that this is all true and that our life will be a lot less hectic in a few months. It is the time until then that I am worried about. And my stress and anxiety over it is rubbing off on those that I love the most. Especially the kids.
And if I have taught my kids one thing it is to be very open with me about their feelings.
To hear from your 5-year-old that I am not a fun mommy or the dreaded "I hate YOU!", sucks ASS! And the 3-year-old even told me that I scared her the other day with my yelling. So, you can imagine the heaping, stinky pile of 'mommy guilt' that I am under right now. The boy is not wrong...I am not a fun mommy right now.
I really have to try to keep this in check and keep my eye on the bigger picture. I can't afford to let myself slip back to where I was back in October. I need to be the non-toxic glue keeping it all together right now. For myself and for my little family.
So on that note...
I give you the things I am grateful for today:
1. A husband who comes home from work and tells me to go sleep off my migraine and takes care of all parental and house duties.
2. An hour at the gym with my awesome trainer, who kicks my ass and reminds me that YES, I CAN do this!
3. Amazing friends who will pick up my kids from school when I am late and offer help whenever I need it.
4. My babysitter. Gawd, I am SO thankful for her on days like today!
5. My contractor's Site Manager. Cute, competent and completely honest with me at all times.
6. Sunshine on a winter's day.
7. The current roof over our heads as well as the new one we are building.
8. Friends who chat with me on Facebook and make me feel normal.
9. The way my daughter looks like such a big girl with her hair in a ponytail.
10. How they both speak louder and slower when I ask them to use their big boy/girl voice as opposed to a whiney one.
11. I said this already, but a nice hot Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte and the background noise of my local Starbuck's.
12. My favourite green t-shirt.
13. Bank tellers that know me by name.
14. Picking up my new designer spring dress from My Filosophy. (A beautiful orange number by Joeffer Caoc.)
15. A dog who comes in for a snuggle and a pet, especially when I am crying.
16. Writing as therapy...
See, I'm feeling better already.