I am not weak.

I am having a quicksand week. Or perhaps month. I started noticing it more after the time change. My kids were a mess and more so than ever, I was a mess. And I still am.

I am tired. Bone weary, not sure I should be driving some days, can't keep a thought in my head tired.

And I am irritable. I blame it on the tiredness, but I know it is more than that. I know I am disconnected from my life, from the people and things that are important to me. The schedule gets followed and I keep going, but there is little joy in it these days.

This is all leaving me with the slowly sinking into quicksand feeling. I can't struggle, because it will only make it worse. I will only get more tired and more irritable and I'll yell even more and grind my teeth and lose my patience and... and so I sink. I am not writing, I don't go to yoga, I don't play with my kids, I ignore others and I lose myself and hours in the mindless online black-hole that is social media.

I am not in a good place and I know it.

So I made a call.

I have an appointment in two weeks with someone to finally talk about all of this.

I am terrified.

And hopeful.

But mostly terrified.

Today, all I could think about was finding some inspiration to just keep going. To keep on my path, even though I am not 100% sure of that path and even though at the moment it looks like one fraught with thorny vines, brambles and lots of fallen logs. And quicksand.

My first stop was my go-to lady for inspiration, Elan Morgan of Schmutzie.com. Elan gave a TEDx talk in Regina last year and I had not watched it yet. So I did. And now I am telling you (and making is super easy for you) to go and watch it yourself. I love that she managed to incorporate one of her awesome lists in her talk. One that I want to copy and paste all over my walls and my brain and everywhere else I can think of.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkaBXs9aPBU[/youtube]

Elan quoted Brene Brown in her talk, so next, I headed over to Brene's TED talks and was utterly and completely blown away. The tiredness left me for a moment. My brain perked up and paid attention and so much in my life just started to make sense to me. I am still terrified, but after watching Brene's videos, I feel like the hopefulness might have gained a bit of ground.

I can't stress how much I think EVERYONE, man and woman, NEEDS to watch all of these videos. Watch them, then get your husband to watch them and then send them to your sisters, your best friends, your mom.... EVERYONE.

Here they are.

Watch this one first.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube]

Then this one.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]

Brene says that "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativily and change."

Well, it's about to get all crazy-ass vulnerable around here for me and I am so ready for things to change. I really can't sink much further into this sand on my way to a breakdown spiritual awakening.

Please stick around until I come out on the other side of this.

{trying to} dare greatly,

Natasha~

 

 

 

 

 

stealth attack

It hit without warning. A small dot on my chest that felt a little tight.

And then it got bigger.

And bigger.

And then I started to breathe a little faster. And shorter.

I managed to get the kids dressed and fed before it hit me full force.

But come it did...

And then BAM!

There I was, hunched over my desk, sobbing and hyperventilating uncontrollably...

And having the first FULL ON anxiety attack I have had in over 15 years.

My poor little girl just looked at me and said "Mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I didn't have an answer for her.

I somehow managed to pull myself together long enough to get the kids to school. I did not talk to anyone for fear that the flood gates would not hold if I so much as opened my mouth.

I lost it again when I got back in the car, drove out of the school parking lot, pulled over again, called a friend and tried to let it all out.

I did make it to the gym, had another ugly cry with a good friend and then had an hour to focus on something else for a bit...the burning in my legs from jump training on the Pilates reformer and not the squeezing, breath-stealing feelings I was having in my chest. So that was good while it lasted.

Needless to say, it has been a VERY long day.

I have puffy eyes from all the tears that keep coming and don't seem to want to stop and I can't really THINK too much right now about anything without the tightness coming back a bit...

I tried to do things today that made me feel happy.

You know, the little things. Like having a long shower, putting on pretty jewelry, going to a grown-up coffee shop all by myself and getting a bang trim. Thank goodness it was a babysitter day!

Tonight I immersed myself into mindless data entry as I try to finish up all the accounting for the NUM store closure and found a soundtrack to keep my mind happy while doing it. It involved a lot of new boy band songs {think One Direction and The Wanted} interspersed with Florence and the Machine and my new favourite songstress, Ingrid Michealson.

I know I will have to face whatever it is that is making me feel like this, but first I have to figure out what exactly that is...

I kind of have an idea, but it is not completely clear just yet.

Today was a total stealth attack. No warning. Total chaos.

Tomorrow, all units are on high alert.

N~