It's not you, it's me

Today had the potential to be such a good day. And I needed a good day.

REALLY BADLY.

And then...

Well.

It was not.

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Let me back up a few days.

On Saturday, January 12, 2013, with myself, my sister, my brother and his wife surrounding him with as much love as we could, my father passed away from complications of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).

I have written about our reconnection and how bittersweet this whole process has been for both of us. Time, the one thing we needed, was the one thing we really did not have.

He was suffering and now I know he is not. We had a brief moment on Friday to talk and forgive each other before his level of consciousness prevented him from having further conversations. Given the situation, I am at peace with that and I can only hope that he was too.

So, I am grieving.

And on two fronts. I am grieving for the loss of the man that he was and I am also grieving (again?) for the loss of the father that I could have had. Details are not important anymore and life takes us in all kinds of different directions that are not in our control, but this is hard. Hard to try to understand the circumstances of the past and the motives of the people (including ourselves) that kept us so far apart, and hard to reconcile the fact that answers will never come.

Add to all of that the fact that I am also prepping this little family of mine for a whirlwind vacation half way around the world that starts VERY soon, and well... let's just say it is a busy week up in my head.

I don't have time to grieve. I have to pack, and I have to get kids to school and back, and I have to make meals and actually feed these people who depend on me and also find time for regular things, like showering and shaving my legs and such. There is playing and reading and laundry and dentist appointments and walking the dog and getting in a workout and doing my volunteer commitments and keeping up with the everyone on Facebook and well....

Something has to give.

Remember the good old days?

If someone had a baby, or if someone had a birthday or yes, if someone died. Remember what we would do, or what our parents and our parents friends would do? They would come over with a meal. Or call. Or send an actual card or note or flowers. They would come over and give you a big heartfelt hug. Not a ((hug)).

Now we take to the internets to express EVERYTHING. Our congratulations, our condolences, our breakfast, lunch and dinner and every waking moment in between. We are all more connected than we have ever been before and yet, I can't help but feel so disconnected right now.

This has been bothering me long before this past weekend and I was afraid to do anything about it, but now...

Now, I am done.

I am done with Facebook.

I am done with feeling like I am a good "friend" because I didn't forget to write "Happy Birthday" on whomever's timeline is listed on the top right hand corner of my page. I am done reading about peoples passive aggressive feelings through silly meme images. I am done with feeling the "Oh, that would be a good sound bite on FB" thought about something that happens in my day-to-day life, instead of actually BEING IN THAT MOMENT in my life.

My friend Tom wrote this very poignant post last week and in it he says,

"...you get only ONE chance at being a dad or a mom to your child. You won’t be allowed to try it again. You’ll be left with a void, a gap where you could have done something for or with your little one. And sadly, those are gaps in life we will never be able to go back and fill."

This week that message hit home for me more so than ever before.

Because I am that little one. I am that kid that lost out on having a father because of reasons that I will never understand. And yes, I know for a fact that there was a big void in my fathers life as well. And while we did get a chance to reconnect in the end. The sad reality is that it really was the end. We had less than 2 months to fit in 30 years of life.

It was not enough.

This week has been rough on all of us here at the SAHF household and I am trying to figure out what we all need around here.

The best solution and answer I can find is that we need MORE of each other. Or more specifically, my kids and my husband need more of me. And I need more of me.

We need more playing together. We need more reading books. We need more cuddles and silliness. We need more kitchen dance parties. We need mommy to NOT get on the computer the minute we walk in the door . We need to actually go visit with friends and family and spend time with them. Time that does not include any kind of mobile device bleeping every 10 seconds. We need to take pictures for us alone, not to be shared on Instagram or Facebook immediately. We need to get our validation from the joy of living, not from the amount of "likes" we get on a status update.

So like any addict who has to hit rock bottom before they see the light, here I am.

Today was my bottom.

My name is Natasha and I am addicted to social media. I check my phone and my computer all the time out of fear that I am going to "miss" something. And I do mean ALL. THE. TIME.. I panic if I can't find my phone. It is the first thing I check in the morning and the last thing I check at night. And sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'll check it then too.

What hit me today, is that I AM missing something. I am missing my life. I am missing my children's lives. All the things that I keep saying that we will do later, just one more minute, one more message, one more video to watch....well, one day it will be too late. And I won't be able to go back. There is no 'delete' or 'undo' or 'refresh' button in life.

There is just DO and DO it as well as you can.

So...

As of tonight at midnight, I am deactivating my Facebook account.

I will still manage the community Pages that I am responsible for, but even that will be at a limited capacity.

If anyone wants to get ahold of me, call me, come and see me, meet me for coffee. Let's really CONNECT.

And hug.

Really everyone, it's not you, it's me.

I just need some space.

For a REAL life lived in the moment.

Lots of love,

Natasha~

P.S. {For my online friends who are far away, you can still find me on Twitter or via email or here too. Baby steps folks! :)}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the moment...

I was about to crap out on a post for tonight!!

You all know it has been a rough week for me (see yesterday's post)!

But, NO, I can't do that to you (and also I hate that Liam YELLS at me in his SBC update posts if I skip a day!!)

Instead I thought I would take a page from a fellow Summer Blog Challenge participant and post about the things that have really made me happy these past few weeks.

One-on-one time with my little girl.

It is not often that I get to have one-on-one time with my kids. We try to have Mommy days and Daddy days with each of them separately, but more often than not they don't want to do anything without each other (they really are that close). So with Little C in Sportball Camp for another week, the Princess and I had some time to just hang out and do whatever we wanted....just us girls!

We hit the playground one day and she was so much more adventurous on her own. Climbing and sliding and spinning on all the different structures. She even made a little friend! And then she spotted the BIG swing and that is where we spent the next half hour! We had fun, she had me all to herself and I got to focus on just one kid for a few hours and I think we both needed that!

Pretty vintage things for me

I was on Facebook one night and saw these beauties and HAD to have them!

A) Because I am a sucker for anything blue and green **Tangent: My British Grandmother used to always tell us that "blue and green shall never be seen, unless there is a monkey in between". I still don't know what that means?  

And B) My hands get cold, especially when I am typing, so they seemed like a perfect solution.

And C) They are locally made and the fabric and the buttons are vintage--do I have to say more?

The two most important dudes in my life.

Natural Urban Dad and Little C really are two of a kind. They look alike, they have the same mannerisms, they have the same crazy obsession with cleanliness (not complaining) and they are my world! There is nothing that makes my heart swell more than seeing them together and how much they love each other. Oh, and the Ferris Wheel idea--totally Little C's! Seems he is a little thrill seeker and on that one note he is VERY different than Natural Urban Dad!

My new Duvet Cover.

Yes. I am very serious. I have been wanting a new duvet cover for months and just haven't found the right one. So I hit up HomeSense once more this past week and buried underneath all the other plain, boring duvet covers, I finally found the ONE!  Now the kicker with this is that I did not inform Natural Urban Dad of my plans, mainly because I knew that he would probably kybosh the whole idea and then we would be stuck with a BIG GIANT CHICKEN at the door kind of mess! So I bought the duvet, washed it and got in on the bed before he got home and had a chance to tell me to take it back! Doesn't it look purdy? And bonus, it makes me want to actually make my bed every morning! (Which is slight consolation for Mr. Tidy Pants!)

Matching my outfit to my baby carrier.

It is true, I do like to match what I am wearing to who I am wearing and this day it worked out perfectly. The kids and I took the dog for a walk and Princess L decided she really needed to go on mama's back. It was the perfect opportunity to use of new "Magic Wrap" Woven from Cosy Baby Happy Mommy. And it matched my hat perfectly!! I promise a more in-depth review and post about this incredible wrap very soon. I want to get some more miles out of it and break it in a bit more before I give the final verdict (which so far is quite awesome!!).

**And PS: The hat the The Princess is wearing is a Woodland Rogue Hat available here.

Summer Days spent with Best friends

Today the kids and I spent the day at the Legislature Grounds with our best friends. We packed a picnic, spread out our blankets and splashed and played in the fountains and wading pools. It really is amazing that my bestie and I have been friends for over 20 years now. We have been through all of the major milestones and events in our grown-up lives together and are about to hit another big one (hint: it's a major birthday). Our kids are growing up together too and nothing makes you step back and take stock of your life and how fast is whizzes by like the realization that our babies are really NOT babies anymore. Today was a great day for us, for ME. It was a day where I felt very Zen. Like all the troubles of this past week could not affect me. I was in a happy place, with my happy people and that was all that mattered.

Today I lived in the moment and it was wonderful!

And now I am going to go to bed!

Natasha~

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Summer Blog Challenge Posts for August 26th, 2011

 

Been there, done that, got chlamydia!

Is what I wanted to run around telling a whole heck of a lot of young women last night! I was at a club you see, and well....here's what happened.

I have been a regular little social butterfly this week (In Real Life, no less, not just on Twitter)! Last night was my second night out and it was for my girlfriend's stagette.  She wanted to go dancing, so we started our night at another friend's house and then headed to a local "retro" dance club for more partying and to get our groove on!

My usual drink of choice these days is a lovely glass or two of a nice Malbec. Wine was definitely not an option at this particular establishment, so I opted for the next best thing, gin and tonic. Throw in a few rounds of fruity shots for all of us and I for one, was well on my way to tipsy-ville in no time.

As I sat there drinking my second gin and tonic, I started looking around at the female clientele at our chosen destination and that is when I really started feeling, A) my age and B) my mother-yness (is that a word??).

What really hit me as I watched these young women in their uniform du jour, the high-waisted, very short, short skirt and 4 inch heels, was that 20 years ago, had my life been a little bit different (or my birth control luck been a bit worse), any one of these girls could have been my daughter. And as I witnessed them getting more and more drunk, and throwing themselves all over the guys at the club, all I kept wanting to do was run up to each and every one of them and say, "STOP. You are worth so much more than this!" and also, "Seriously chickie, that skirt?? You are leaving NOTHING to the imagination."  I was struck with this overwhelming urge to want to either slap them all up side the head and tell them to smarten-up and also to take them aside and share some of my hard-learned life lessons.

And then I remembered 19 year-old me, and realized that in no way would I have ever listened to an almost 40 year-old woman, no matter how hip and cool and smokin' hot she looked ;), tell me how to live my life! Oh well, girls, at least you live in an era of the Plan B pill and really good antibiotics!

So instead of going around preaching self-love and self-respect to all, I consumed even more gin and tonic and fruity shots of liquor.

And then I started noticing the men at this club. Or more appropriately.....the complete lack there-of.

They too has their uniforms. Invariably it was jeans and a t-shirt and either some version of the Beiber, a faux-hawk or a lop-sided toque on their heads. And they too seem to have some issues with respect. Not necessarily the self kind, more like the kind a REAL man should have for a woman.

A few lovely examples for you...

  • I saw a complete poser in a cowboy hat walk right up to a cocktail waitress and grab her skirt and yank it up over her ass!
  • Our group of 6 got kicked out of our seats for three 20-something guys who had a 'reservation' and had what I now know is called Table Service. A minimum of $500.00 and your own personal serving wench. Too much money and not enough brains if you ask me!
  • And to top off the night, as I was giving the bride-to-be a hug goodnight and was about to get into my cab, two guys jumped into it from the other side! And left me, a lone woman to go find another one. WTF??? Is there NO chivalry or even common decency at all in this Generation Z?

Thus ended my night out clubbing. I realize that I am making some big generalizations about these kids and yes, I was somewhat intoxicated myself, but let me tell you, as I stumbled into my house at 2:00 AM and I peeked into everyone's rooms and saw my little family's beautiful sleeping faces, I was never so thankful for my life....

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And then they had the nerve to wake me up at 6:00 AM! Argh!!

Slightly hung over,

Natasha~

P.S. I'm probably joking about the whole Chlamydia thing.