30 Days of Truth. Day 14 - A hero that has let me down.

Oh. My. God. Do you know what is kind of sad?

I can not for the life of me think of who the heroes are in my life.

(thinking.....

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thinking.....

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thinking)

Okay, NOT true. I DO have heroes.

My mom. She raised four kids on her own and not one of us is in jail or on a reality TV show. HERO!

My grandmother. She was ostracized by her family for being an unwed mother at the age of 45. Immigrated across an ocean to a new country and made a life for her and her daughter. HERO!

My sister. My much younger sister and in so many ways, so much wiser than me. HERO!

My husband. My rock, my love and my hero because he is my kids' hero, each and every day! BIG HERO!

And yes, perhaps at one time or another they have all let me down. But not in a big unforgivable, you are no longer my hero kind of way.

If I had to pick a hero, someone who has let me down (and I really hope I don't get struck down for this) I have to say that it is...

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God.

Now, now, don't get your panties in a knot, I am not about to get all preachy and stuff. Just keep reading.....

I grew up in a very Catholic household. When my mom was a kid, she and my grandmother used to go to mass daily and at one point early on in her life my mom contemplated a life in a convent (and then she kind of got knocked up with me, so...that didn't quite pan out)!

From a very early age, the Catholic church was a big part of our lives. Our baptisms, first communions, confirmations, all BIG deals at our house. We said the Lord's prayer every night before bed and we all knew how to recite our Hail Mary's and the full rosary by the time we were six years old. My brothers and I were all altar servers and proud of it.

I think growing up without a father made me appreciate God and the Church even more. Every Sunday, I would go to mass and know that I was loved by God, that He would never leave us and that I could always count on Him for a good 'chat'. And He never judged me. I was taught that at a very early age. God sees all and forgives all as long as you ask him for it.

And then one year something changed. And although I know it really was not God's fault that this happened, I felt let down and hurt and unable to forgive.

I was 13 years old, it was right before Easter and we were going to church for the Sacrament of Confession (which by the way, they now call Reconciliation-sounds nicer I guess). Going to confession always made me nervous. It meant that I would have to sit down with a grown-up and admit (out load) all of my sins. What, you ask, are the sins of a 13-year-old girl? Well, they mostly had to do with not listening to or honoring my mom and grandmother, hitting my brothers and possibly some other stuff along those lines. None of the major sins committed here, just your run of the mill tween-girl-in-the-early-1980s stuff.

As I sat in the confessional and recited my sins to the priest, my heart pounding out of my chest, I just hoped and prayed that I would only have to recite three Our Fathers and maybe five Hail Marys, get my absolution and then go get some cookies and juice. Nope, not with this guy. Someone has obviously pissed in this particular priest's Holy Cheerios that morning, because instead of the loving absolution that I had come to expect from my confessional experiences, I got a harsh scolding. I was told that I was a bad girl, that God was disappointed in me and that if I wanted his love I would have to try a lot harder. I can't remember what my penance was that night, but I do remember crying a lot as we left the church.

And then I got mad. Mad enough that I refused to go to church for a while, and mad enough that I have NEVER, ever, not even once gone back to Confession/Reconciliation ever again!

I do know that God really had nothing to do with this particular experience and that it was the priest that ruined it for me, but I can't help it. These men are His representatives here on Earth. They are the ones who are supposed to spread His message and His love to us and this man took that away from me. He made me question GOD and consequently my whole belief system and in the end we (God and I) have never really been the same.

We do still talk and I know that He takes very good care of my brother and my grandmother, but I don't visit Him at His house very often. My trust in the Catholic Church was broken that day and I was seriously let down. Someone told me that God did not love me as much as I thought he did and to a kid already suffering with abandonment issues it was just too much.

I will not go to confession ever again, but I will forgive and God knows that and I am pretty sure that we are good. We have an understanding and I know now that regardless of what any priest ever says, that He is always and will always be there when I need Him.

Love and forgiveness,

Natasha~

30 Days of Truth: Day 13-A band or artist that has gotten me through some tough days.

I like to put my own spin on these 30 days of truth posts and today's is no different. I don't think I can say that I have only ONE band or artist that has gotten me through tough times. So instead, I thought I would give you a list of some of the MUSIC that has been instrumental (total PUN intended!!) in shaping my life and my love of all genres of artistic expression!

First you need to understand that I have no musical talent whatsoever. My husband (Mr. Perfect Pitch, Royal Conservatory of Music graduate, concert pianist guy) tells me that I am tone-deaf. He is probably right. The only instruments I ever played were a recorder, an organ and a clarinet, and not one of them did I play particularly well!

I tell you this so that you know that I have DEEP, deep respect and admiration for anyone who can play an instrument, sing in tune and otherwise musically entertain me!

So here is my list of 'musical memories' as it where:

1. As far back as I can remember, the 1965 timeless classic The Sound of Music has been in my life. It was a special treat for us as kids to stay up late and watch it every Christmas and I don't think I have missed watching it at least once a year since I was 2 years old. I know EVERY SINGLE WORD to every song in that movie and the first song both of my children heard sung from me was "Edelweiss". I am transported to a happy place every time I watch this movie or listen to the soundtrack (that is a much played staple in our iTunes library) and am reminded of my childhood and also of how much I wanted to be Maria when I grew up!!

2. U2. Need I say more?  Okay, I will. My best friend in Grade 7  introduced me to these four boys from Ireland and I instantly fell in love! Particularly with Larry Mullen Jr. Joshua Tree was one of the first LPs that I owned, but I think "I will Follow" from Boy and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" from War are still up there in my list of all time faves from the band. Their music has been in either a cassette deck, CD player or iPod for more than half of my life and I have much respect for these men both as artists and people. I saw them in concert in June of 1997 for the PopMart Tour and while everyone else at Commonwealth Stadium was on their feet and screaming when they started their first set, I was glued to my chair with my mouth wide open and tears streaming down my face.

3. Ramsey's Soul Revival. WHO? Double Points go to anyone who leaves me a comment telling me you saw these guys in concert! RSR was a freaking fantastic local Edmonton band in the '90s. They had a funk/soul/dance genre going on that spoke to me and I fully admit that I was a full-on RSR groupie! I never missed a gig, I (ahem) 'dated' the lead guitarist (and possibly one other member as well) and it was great!! If there is ONE band that got me through a tough time, it was probably these guys. The day my brother died, they had a gig in Edmonton and I needed to get out of my house. I could not be around all the shock and sorrow and could not deal with my own grief just yet. I went to the gig and just danced....I danced all night, non-stop. Their music took me somewhere I needed to go and afterwards I went home and slept in my brother's bed and cried for 2 days straight.

4. Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Not sure why, but this is my favourite piece of classical music. Always has been. In University I would study while listening to it over and over on my stereo and then during exams I would simply recall the music and answer the questions much easier! I know, some 1st year Psych student can tell you why this is so, but whatever, Vivaldi made me a smarter person. End of story.

5. In the late 1990's I had my 'angry-girl-music' phase. I was really into Tori Amos, Garbage, Hole, Alanis Morrissette and the like. I was single, I went to lilith fair and I 'may' have thought I was a lesbian for a minute or two. And then I met my future husband.

6. THIS is our song. Please have a listen. And yes, we are this cheesy.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CYI5bKZMes]

I also love this clip because, a) Billy Idol was the first concert I ever attended and, b) I love Drew Barrymore and want her to play me in the movie of ME.

7. I now realize that I could go on and on and this list is already getting rather long.....

I do however have one ALL TIME favourite song. It is a song that can have many interpretations, which may be why I love it. It can uplift me, it can calm me, it can make me cry and it just gets me every time....very deep, deep down in the pit of my gut.

Here it is for you to enjoy. Thank you Leonard and thank you Jeff!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4]

 

Sweet Dreams everyone,

Natasha~

P.S. I would love to know what some of your musical memories are!

 

30 Days of Truth: Day 12 - Something I never get compliments on.

This is going to be a short one. (I am having a rough day-not sure why exactly, but I will still get a post up!!) I never get compliments on my PUNCTUALITY!

Probably because I don't seem to have any!

Seriously, I can not be on time for anything!

And I do try, really I do!!

I start getting the kids and I ready LONG before we need to be anywhere and yet somehow, 97.8% of the time, we are always LATE!

It is a good thing I have kids though--at least I can blame them for some of my tardiness. As in, "Really kid? Boots and coat on and NOW you have to poo!!"

Just this past week alone I was late not once but twice at my hair salon. First for my own appointment and then on Friday for my daughter's appointment, which we had to reschedule. Try to explain THAT to a two-year old who has been asking all week about going to get her hair cut!

So, it is no wonder that I don't get compliments on my punctuality!

I am working on it, I swear!

Goodnight all. Tomorrow is another day and I have to be somewhere....ON TIME!!

Natasha~