take a seat

I want to talk about pee. 

Because I am done. DONE. DONE. DONE! With accidentally sitting in it in public washrooms, finding it all over the fucking walls in airplane toilet closets and stepping in it around the toilets in unisex bathrooms. 

People. Sit the fuck down when you are peeing. ALL OF YOU.

Ladies, stop trying to hover. JUST STOP. Accept that you do not have the quad strength to hold that position and you will NEVER have the ability to aim from within all the folds of your lady parts either. You will not catch herpes/gonorrhea/syphilis from a goddamn toilet seat. Put some toilet paper around the seat if you need to or use the paper seat covers if they are provided, but for God's sake SIT DOWN! IF you still insist on doing your hover-spray-quad-workout then at least have the decency to wipe up YOUR OWN PISS after you are done!

And MEN. Let's talk. I know, I know, since you were three years old, all you ever wanted to do was pee standing up "just like daddy", but come on. The fact is that you are not very good at it! And how many of you actually clean your own toilets? If you do and your the dudes who clean up after yourselves, then kudos to you, but I'm not holding my breath that you're in the majority here. 

Parents, PLEASE, teach your boys to pee sitting down. Teach them to respect the fact that OTHER people have to use toilets too and NO ONE wants to sit on or step in pee. EVER. I don't care how much emphasis you put on aiming at the damn cheerios in the bowl, it DOESN'T WORK! And if I hear one more man-baby tell me that "real men" pee standing up, I will punch said standing pee-er in his poorly aiming junk! 

Now by all means, pee standing up at a urinal, that's what they are there for and no one sits on them, but if you are in a toilet stall, or AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY - BISH PLEASE! Sit the fuck down! No amount of aim is going to work against a sudden bit of turbulence, I promise you! 

Here's the thing that I don't get. Everyone sits to poop, so why is sitting to pee such a big deal for certain people? Men, please tell me, do you do a standing pee and then sit down to poo? Is the male ego so damn fragile that it can be broken by something you do primarily behind a closed door, all ALONE? No really, I need to know. FOR RESEARCH.

Now, I can hear it already, "Calm down Natasha, it's JUST pee. It's a sterile fluid. NBD!" 


It's about respect for others and some general personal cleanliness too. Especially in public washrooms. It's just pee until you are the one stepping in it or sitting on it or gagging at the stench of it all over the base of the toilet. I mean, have you been in an elementary school bathroom lately? That shit is NAAAAAAAaaasty! No one flushes, pee is everywhere, it's fucking gross. We need to do better with these kids people! They grow up to be hover-pee-ers and poor aiming dudebros.

And because I hate to rant, just for ranting sake, I have a couple of solutions to offer for this disgusting problem: 

1 - TEACH ALL YOUR KIDS (boys and girls) TO PEE SITTING DOWN. (And the trick about putting toilet paper around the seat if they/you are germ squeamish.)

2 - If you live with/share a toilet with a standing pee-er, cleaning said toilet, by default of this fact, becomes their job. FOREVER! 

And for God's sake, and I wish this didn't need to be repeated...


*** This public service announcement/rant brought to you by my wet ass after I sat in some hover-pee-er's God awful attempt at controlling her spray!***


See, it's not that hard of a concept! 

See, it's not that hard of a concept!