not breathing

Today, in my rush to get the kids to school, I almost killed two of us. Turning left onto a street, I didn't see the white camaro coming up behind another truck turning right and I almost pulled out too far.

I slammed on the brakes. I swore. I scared my daughter. And my heart almost pounded itself out of my chest.

I was driving too fast, in too much of a rush, mad at the world, and all because *I* was late.

I am calm now. I am sitting in my little cafe, having my favourite tea latte, re-evaluating my mornings lately and gaining a little bit of perspective.

Here is what I think....

I don't know about you, but I feel like I am trying to DO too much.

I think this may be a MOM thing.

My 'TO DO" lists never seem to get fully finished. And my calendar is FULL! Everyday.

I drive my kids to two different schools in the mornings and then I take the dog for a walk.

While they are at school (for a whopping 2.5 hours), I try to get as much done as I can without them. This includes grocery shopping, random errands and appointments for me, a yoga class or workout and if I am lucky, one or two days of writing.

In the afternoons the kids have dancing and yoga on one day, swimming on another and we are trying to take advantage of our gorgeous fall weather right now and doing as much as we can outside and with our friends on the other days.

By three o'clock everyday we are all exhausted and both of my kids are still napping for at least an hour in the afternoons. On more days than I care to admit, so am I!

And then it is dinner, walking the dog again, bath and bedtime, whatever housework needs doing and trying to get in at least a 30 minute workout with Natural Urban Dad too. Last night I spent 3 hours folding what I like to call Mount Washmore. I swear laundry is my kryptonite, I actually start to feel weaker the closer I get to the laundry room.

I have Apps to remind me of appointments, two reminder alerts for every event in my calendar and stickie notes. Lots and lots of stickie notes everywhere to remind me off what needs doing next. And still I almost forgot that today was L's show and tell and snack day at preschool and have I mentioned that I completely forgot about picture day for Little C and sent him to school in a 'Hang Loose' t-shirt my sister-in-law bought him in Waikiki? It is only September and I am already sucking at this whole school thing!

The real kicker is that I have no excuse for all of this. The house is finished. There is no more store. I am a 100% stay-at-home housewife and mother. THIS is my job. If I was my boss, I would be having a pretty serious time management discussion with myself.

I am not sure why I can't seem to get this on track? OK, well yes, I do stay up WAY too late most nights and yes, I probably do waste a fair bit of time online, but still...

Something has to change. I wake up and feel like I don't breath until the kids are dropped off, the dog taken care of and all the other 'stuff' is done. It makes for some long, stressful mornings and I just feel like I am constantly yelling at everyone to HURRY UP!

Not the way I want to start my day and not the way I want it to be for the kids either.

I mean, it has gotten to the point that if I am really grumpy and yell-y, the kids ask me if I forgot to make my breakfast smoothie. And most of those days, I didn't forget, I just did not have enough time.

You see, I KNOW what I need to do. In everything that I deem "wrong" in my life, I know what I need to do to fix it. I just don't.

I don't go to bed early enough or wake up early enough. I spend too much time online. I forget to eat nutritious meals that will give me the energy I need to get going. I cop out on my workouts. I leave the laundry piling up until it truly is a mountain of rainbow coloured wrinkle-ness.

I don't know if it is just some Olympic calibre procrastination I have perfected here or if I am truly too physically and mentally exhausted to make the changes that I know need to be made.

What I do know is that I am functioning just fine. On the outside I appear to have it ALL together. I manage to get the kids to school, they are bathed and in clean clothes, we have groceries in the house and the laundry eventually does get folded. But to be perfectly honest, much beyond that is one hell of a struggle.

The reality is that I am a faker of epic proportions and I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

Because what if one day, while I am holding my breath, I really don't see that car and something really bad happens...