I wrote this post last Friday night while in Toronto at the Blissdom Canada 2011 Writing and Business Conference. I was having some technical difficulties at the time (darn hotel Wi-fi) and was not able to publish until today.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Today my little girl is three years old.
And I am 2, 706 kilometers away from her.
It's not a big deal really...
We celebrated her birthday last weekend with family and friends and I am in Toronto at my very first big blogging conference having a wonderful time.
But still, I have been thinking about her all day....
I have been thinking about my labour and delivery, how different it was from my first time with Little C. Having a full-term, one week overdue baby is a much different experience than being induced at 35 weeks and having a teeny preemie baby. I was in control of most of my labouring with L and had to consciously push through those moments of self-doubt and pain and panic and trust my body, rely on my amazing doula team and lean on the ever-present shoulder of Natural Urban Dad.
I remember the moment that I was finally allowed to push and how it felt like 5 minutes, but was really more like 30. I remember feeling that final release and her entrance into this world and not hearing her right away....and then that tiny little voice crying and letting me know that she had arrived. I remember Natural Urban Dad telling me that she was a GIRL and my utter and complete shock at hearing this.
I remember holding her for the first time and unwrapping her from all the swaddling and letting her find and latch onto my breast. I cried at that moment...I was so proud of both of us.
I remember not wanting to let her out of my sight for a minute and refusing most of the usual 'ministrations' that the nursing staff wanted to do with her. (And I remember how respectful they were of all my wishes and was so grateful for that too.)
I remember getting settled into our room at the Royal Alexandra Hospital and taking her out of the bassinet and sleeping with her next to me all night. Okay, she slept and nursed... and slept and nursed some more and I just stared at her beautiful chubby cheeks for 6 hours straight.
I remember getting her dressed the next morning and anxiously awaiting our pediatrician to give us the green light to go home. We went home exactly 12 hours after she was born.
I remember Little C meeting her for the first time and how gentle and inquisitive he was. And how when I nursed her, he wanted in on the action too and what an incredibly amazing moment it was the first time I tandem nursed my two babies.
I look at my daughter now and I see me. A little dark-haired, hazel brown eyes me, but me nonetheless.
And in seeing myself in her face and her little quirks and expressions, I can't help but hope that she will be better than me.
Better at loving herself and seeing herself as the amazing person that she is.
Better at knowing her mind, trusting her instincts, and never letting anyone take these things away from her.
And I hope that she will always know how much she is loved, admired and respected by me.
I do not see her fulfilling any of my dreams or aspirations...
...I see her soaring in a world that she makes for herself, one in which a strong, beautiful and likely very feisty girl is celebrated and has a world of possibilities before her.
I love you my girl.
P.S. Tonight at Blissdom Canada we had the opportunity to watch an amazing documentary called MissRepesentation, a film about the misrepresentation of women and girls by the media and the subsequent underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence.
It is a powerful and very thought and emotion provoking film. It made me step back and think about the world my daughter, and my son, are growing up in. How the choices of what we watch on TV, the magazines we read and the films we see affect our views of people (especially women and girls) and the world around us!
I have just taken the Represent Pledge and I highly encourage you to see the film and take it too!