stealth attack

It hit without warning. A small dot on my chest that felt a little tight.

And then it got bigger.

And bigger.

And then I started to breathe a little faster. And shorter.

I managed to get the kids dressed and fed before it hit me full force.

But come it did...

And then BAM!

There I was, hunched over my desk, sobbing and hyperventilating uncontrollably...

And having the first FULL ON anxiety attack I have had in over 15 years.

My poor little girl just looked at me and said "Mommy, what is wrong with you?"

I didn't have an answer for her.

I somehow managed to pull myself together long enough to get the kids to school. I did not talk to anyone for fear that the flood gates would not hold if I so much as opened my mouth.

I lost it again when I got back in the car, drove out of the school parking lot, pulled over again, called a friend and tried to let it all out.

I did make it to the gym, had another ugly cry with a good friend and then had an hour to focus on something else for a bit...the burning in my legs from jump training on the Pilates reformer and not the squeezing, breath-stealing feelings I was having in my chest. So that was good while it lasted.

Needless to say, it has been a VERY long day.

I have puffy eyes from all the tears that keep coming and don't seem to want to stop and I can't really THINK too much right now about anything without the tightness coming back a bit...

I tried to do things today that made me feel happy.

You know, the little things. Like having a long shower, putting on pretty jewelry, going to a grown-up coffee shop all by myself and getting a bang trim. Thank goodness it was a babysitter day!

Tonight I immersed myself into mindless data entry as I try to finish up all the accounting for the NUM store closure and found a soundtrack to keep my mind happy while doing it. It involved a lot of new boy band songs {think One Direction and The Wanted} interspersed with Florence and the Machine and my new favourite songstress, Ingrid Michealson.

I know I will have to face whatever it is that is making me feel like this, but first I have to figure out what exactly that is...

I kind of have an idea, but it is not completely clear just yet.

Today was a total stealth attack. No warning. Total chaos.

Tomorrow, all units are on high alert.

N~