thick

This week has been a tough one. As I knew it would be.

Natural Urban Dad is on call at the hospital this week and also had to go out-of-town for a night to deal with some urgent business. We steel ourselves for his weeks on call and I thank God that they are few and far between. He knows he will get frustrated and not enjoy his time there, and I know that I will be dealing with a grumpy spouse for a week.

But, it is more than just this.

I am somehow just feeling off.

I was doing really well for a few weeks. Feeling happier, like I was making good choices for me and for my family, focusing on the positive and removing all that I felt was weighing me down. I felt that, although I was still in a tunnel, I was able to see a light at the end of it.

And then this week started and I am not sure why, but there seems to be a thick fog following me around.

I am tired. So very, very tired. And believe it or not, the kids are actually sleeping relatively well this week, so I can't even blame my fatigue on them.

I am also feeling overwhelmed. I know it is partly because of Christmas and making sure that I make it a special time for the kids. I feel like I am going through my days and constantly saying to myself, "Just get through this day and then tomorrow, you can do A, B, C...).

I want to do some Christmas baking and help the kids make presents for their Aunties and Uncles and wrap their presents and go to Candy Cane Lane and ....

...all I have been able to do this week is make sure I PVR every damn kid Christmas special on TV and then sit the kids down and have them watch them over and over and over again while I try to stay awake and at least make sure they have clean underwear.

They have their Christmas Concert at playschool tomorrow and because I have not done any clothing shopping for them in forever, I am scrambling tonight to figure out what they can wear that is festive enough. A red Transformer's sweatshirt will work right?

I just feel aimless.

I picked up some 'Winter Joy' room spray and my personalized 'Calm and Centered' Flower Essence blend from my friendly neighborhood holistic practitioner. Hopefully these will start to kick in soon! Because trust me, I need all the joy, calm and centering I can get these days!

I have no real point to this post. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days I am going to wake up and snap out of it. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be happening and I am just not ready to go see my GP and have her tell me I need to be on an anti-depressant. So I will keep plugging along. Trying to find my joy in the little things and in my little people.

The good news is that I am happy that I made the decision to close my store for the holidays. I did this to be able to figure out how to be the best wife and mother that I can be and the happy and fulfilled person that I deserve to be. I think I just need to take a deep breath now that I am in this 'taking a break' time and realize that I don't have to figure everything out this very minute.

Here's hoping the fog is a little thinner tomorrow.

Natasha~