The other day I spontaneously started crying in my car on the way home from picking up my oldest from preschool. Why you ask?
Because I have recently come to the realization that I may actually want to have another child.
If you had asked me a year ago if I wanted more kids, I would have said, "No Way Jose! We are done. My next 'babies' are going to be the stunning and perky boobie kind that I get from a plastic surgeon!" And not only that, but my husband has always only wanted two children and we have one of each, so we are good. Right?
Wrong. Here I am, seriously LONGING for another child in our lives. I swear it is to the point that I can literally feel my ovaries popping out eggs every time I am near a baby or a pregnant woman. And in my line of work, that is quite often.
So I've been gingerly trying to bring up the topic with my husband for the past few weeks to gauge his receptiveness to this whole idea. I have dropped little hints every now and then about babies and being pregnant again and of course, being the man that he is, he has remained totally oblivious. So the other night I just said it outright to him.
"Honey, I think I want to have another kid."
And his response was, "WHAT? Are you serious? I thought we were done!!"
It was pretty much what I expected him to say. And then we had a long conversation about what that would mean for us and why he doesn't think it is the best idea. I listened to him and I know that all of his reasons for NOT having another child are good ones and make total sense.
- We will be OUTNUMBERED! A scary thought in and of itself.
- I have to go off of my Rheumatoid Arthritis meds and I have a history of high risk pregnancy.
- I will be a 40 year old woman in 9 months and the risks of having a child with Down's Syndrome goes up rather exponentially at that age (1/75).
- Where would we put the kid?? We are building a three bedroom house (I told him this one doesn't really fly-the kids can share rooms!)
- He was just starting to look forward to 'getting me back'. I know this sounds terrible, but I see where he is coming from. I have been nursing for 4 years, we have been co-sleeping for most of that time as well, and we have not taken a couples only holiday since our first son was conceived in 2006.
He also said something to me that made me really think. He told me that I need to realize that motherhood is not just about being pregnant and breastfeeding and babywearing and all the "baby" stuff. Our kids need me in a different way now and I need to be able to grow-up as a mother, just as much as they are growing up and into little people. (Damn him and his logical, I am making too much sense, brain!)
And when he asked me WHY I felt the need to have another child, all I really had for him was that I just did. I can't explain it rationally, and no, it really does not make a whole lot of sense, but I just FEEL like I am not done yet. And I did not have these feelings a year ago, or even six months ago, but something has changed and it is a deep down gut feeling that we are supposed to do this.
We have not come to a decision just yet. I have asked him that we keep the discussion open and on the table. And he has agreed to that. He really is a good man.
All I can say is that right now I feel like sparklers are shooting out of my pelvic region a la Katy Perry in her Fireworks video every time I am anywhere remotely close to a baby or pregnant mama.
Just stand back a bit....