Sometimes I wonder at the choices I have made in my life and if I am strong enough to live them.
That statement might give you some indication of the week I am having. Or maybe the month I am having.
I have never been one to really focus on my age. My life really started for me in my thirties. I FOUND myself in my 30s. I found my husband, my career, my happiness in who and what I am and in what I was doing. On Janurary 1, 2011, I turned 39. And here I am, almost out of my thirties, and this year more than any other I am feeling my age.
I guess you would call me a 'late bloomer' in the getting married and having kids gig. I was married at 31, got a dog at 32, had my first child at 34 and my second at 36. And we are done. We have our 'perfect' little family and this old girl really can't imagine having another baby (even though I get some REALLY strong urges just about every day to do just that)!
And here is the thing. When I really start to think about it, and for some reason I am thinking about it a LOT lately, I am WAY older than a lot of the mamas that I hang out with. To the tune of up to 10 years older then some of them. And yes, I know, I should not compare myself to other women, other mothers, others' lives, but let's be real here, WE ALL DO IT! We can't help ourselves.
Social media is a marvelous tool for my personal and business life and also a bane on my existence right now. On Facebook I read about Mama A doing amazing DIY crafts with her kids, Mama B taking her kids to a bajillion different music and dance classes, Mama C baking 17 loaves of bread and teaching her kids how to do fractions at the same time and I can't help but feel like an inadequate and tired old mama while I look over and see my kids watching 'The Lion King' for the tenth time this week.
And now I am crying...
Because I feel like maybe I have cheated my kids. Cheated them from having a younger, stronger and maybe healthier mom. Oh, believe me, I have cried about this before. I can't help it. I imagine the future and wonder what it will be like to be 50 and have teenagers? What about 60 with two kids in university? Will I be around for their weddings or to see my grandchildren? I know that it is useless to wonder about all of this, but like it says above-this is MY pity party and I'll cry if I want to!
I guess I am really just having a bad week. My kids are acting up more than usual. I am still recovering from my hip injury. My husband and I have not had a date night in almost 2 months. And to top it all off, we are likely going to be selling our house in the next few months (more on that in a later post). You know that feeling you get when you have so much to do or so much that you want to do, but you really don't know where or how to start and so you just sort of float through your days not really doing anything??
It will get better, I know it will, but for now, this month, this WEEK, I feel old and tired and constantly just trying to get through my days.
Please tell me I am not alone in this....
|Me. Unplugged. So to speak...|