There I said it.
I LOVE Fall, it is by far my favourite season of the year. I long to see the leaves changing and the myriad of colors in the river valley and feel the crispness in the air.
But somewhere around the middle of October this all changes for me.
The leaves fall off the trees, it gets cold outside, the days become noticeably shorter and somewhere in all of this my mood shifts.
Two years ago, when Princess L was just one, it was so bad that I had to get some help and started to see a therapist for a few months. I attributed that time to some latent postpartum depression, but in hindsight, I think it was my usual seasonal blues. Last year I just pushed through it.
I remember a time in University when I did not get out of bed for about 2 weeks and suffered from some pretty severe panic attacks when I did manage to leave the house. That year was the worst of it.
As far back as I can remember, at least in my adult life, this time of year is just not great for me. And this year is turning out to be no different.
You would think that this would not be the case. All looks or seems great from the outside. I attended not one, but two awesome blogging conferences in the past month. I landed a sweet co-editor position with an up and coming online mom's website. I am probably in the best shape physically that I have been in in years, thanks to some personal dedication and my amazing trainer. I was nominated for an award recognizing my abilities as an entrepreneur AND a mother. And I continue to do what I love, surrounded by the people who I love.
So why so sad, so uninterested....so tired ALL THE TIME!?
I know what depression is. I can recognize the symptoms, I know the chemical reasons behind why it happens and yes, I know how to treat it. I have seen depression in friends and family and colleagues and I have lost someone to the darkness that it is as well. I spent years of my life and in my previous career learning about, marketing and selling antidepressants.They are life savers for so many people, but I personally just don't like going that route. I feel like I take enough meds as it is to keep my rheumatoid arthritis controlled and I don't like to overload my body with too many synthetic chemicals to process.
And so I am pushing through. Getting through one day at a time and trying to keep my head above water (or often above the piles of laundry). Some days are better than others and some days I wonder if other things that I can't control are affecting me as well.
Today was kind of one of the latter. I wonder if my mood is also affecting others? If I am no fun to be around and if that makes me less likely to be invited to playdates or get-togethers? I wonder if I have alienated some friends as of late and then I also wonder why I am wondering this? If they are truly my friends should this be an issue? Should I not be able to talk my friends about this?
And now I am wondering if I should even be writing this post. But I am 500 words in so I am just going to keep going....
Tomorrow is November. I know the days are getting even shorter and colder, but I will keep going. I am going to love on my little people and bask in their sweet innocent goodness and silliness. Natural Urban Dad and I are going away for a weekend to our happy place at Jasper Park Lodge to reconnect and focus on US as a couple. And I am going to write. I am going to write lots of things. Lists to keep my days on track, meal plans to keep me better organized and blog posts both here and on Mom Nation to feed my soul, to purge my brain of the many thoughts that often keep me up at night, and to keep me going.
This will pass...it always does (usually right before Christmas).
So please bear with me as I get this little seasonal beastie under control and find my way back to my happy place within.